GARBH SANSKAAR- AN OPPORTUNITY FOR MAKING A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
Dr Himani Gupta
Consulting Gynecologist in Kharghar, Navi Mumbai
Today we will learn, what is the basis of Garbh Sanskaar and together we will discover that it is an opportunity for making a great relationship
Let us begin at the very beginning and answer this fundamental question
-I am quoting Sadhguru here from one of his articles regarding marriage
“As a human being you have physical needs, emotional needs, psychological needs, social and economic needs. People may not want to consciously think about these things because they think their marriage will become ugly if they do. But these needs and considerations do exist”
-If you recognize that these are my needs and I am getting into marriage, you will enter marriage in a way of offering and not extracting, then only something beautiful is possible.
Maybe none of you are having difficulty in your marriage and many are leading a great life. Maybe what you learn here today will help your brother sister, your friends and they will walk this path in their life
Now we will answer -Why children
If I give you a pen and paper to write the reasons for wanting to become a parent.
Will you not agree then that in most of your reasons the word I predominates.
I want to become a mother for so and so reason.
I want to become a father or so and so reason.
How many would have written a reason which is beyond this, I
The same needs which go true for marriage also are true for child bearing too. We must identify this I factor and change our way of thinking.
Why should we do that I am coming to it when I discuss with you
Life span of child
Please understand that when a child is born into a family, when you have created a human being on this planet
This human being is going to walk this earth for the next at least 75 years or maybe up to hundred years.
Considering improved medical facilities of today’s time.
Having understood the profoundness of life span of this child let us see the role of foundation for the next 75-100 years
Importance of foundation work
I am sure that all of you know it for a fact that whenever a tall building or a skyscraper is planned, considerable amount of time is spent in planning and foundation work.
Then only exterior work is started.
The point is that the makers put enough effort and time in visualizing the structure and all the hardships that this structure will have to stand in next so many years.
All the thunderstorms, sand storms, rains, windspeed all the realities of mother nature are thought of well in advance and safety measures are taken so that this building stands tall.
Similarly, this Foundation work that we want to do here for the child is very important.
Work on creators than on creation
And who are the people who are the Foundation for this child.
It is us principally the mother and father.
Now consider one more scenario,
The foundation is very well laid.
But instead of using this good foundation for building a great building, creators started throwing garbage on it.
And it continued for next 10 years.
Do you think that it would still make a great residential or commercial place?
Would people spend any money to own an apartment or shop in such building just because the foundation is good?
Here is a similarity.
The child arrives with good Sanskars.
But on arrival child also needs to be nurtured with consistency with example and role modelling.
Herein lies the importance of bringing harmony between husband and wife.
It is their prime duty that their relationship is great, is healthy, and is an example.
The way a great building requires monthly and yearly maintenance. The same way not just when the baby is in the womb but even after arrival and in the growing up years the role of parents is a paramount.
All of you must have heard of this great building Burj Khalifa, some of you may have even visited it.
Now,We cannot have the Foundation of Burj Khalifa and building of a garbage dump
We want that our child should stand tall and walk this world.
Face all the realities with strength.
To make this happen, all the credit goes to parents, teachers & mentors.
Motherhood vs Fatherhood
Let me tell you now, that on one hand Motherhood is natural and on the other hand.
-Fatherhood has to be taught.
Child needs to be shown who is the father.
This relationship needs to be cultivated.
-I appreciate father’s role as nothing is happening to their bodies, still they give full support to mother, even after a hard day at work
-Fatherhood should be created, both for the father as well as child.
-Mother must introduce the father to child saying that your father loves you very much, he is waiting eagerly for you to arrive, he wants to play with you, you are the gem of his eyes.
Here is one more pointer for the new mother
-After the birth of the child also, role of a wife toward husband should not be completely forgotten.
-You must remember- first there were two of you and then came child, most likely not the other way around. At least not in Indian scenario so far by and large
Positive conducive environment with In laws, relatives
Now,I would like to explain the importance of inner circle.
They are the people with whom mother lives 24 by 7.
For a pregnant woman, this is most likely her husband’s family, her in -laws.
It is said that the people who are closest to us can hurt us most and even heal us most.
Here I would stress the point that during the time of pregnancy and delivery mother is most vulnerable.
Husband is working and is not at home during the daytime, it may be the in -laws who are doing most of the work
If any conflict is arising in the inner circle of the wife, husband may have to talk to both his parents so that wife is supported.
Anyways before delivery the wife is in the husband’s house only.
Great relationship with relatives, especially in -laws is of utmost priority.
It is a fact that everyone wants to be loved.
Peace and harmony at home is very important, at times it may be that mother is unable to say few things but inside she is exploding. If that is the case then also this negativity will impact the child.
On another side of coin I have also seen mother being looked after so well at her marital house that is it is an example for everyone.
Reality vs theory
All the mantras, religious teachings, chantings have deep meaning.
They produce good vibrations and bring positivity to the environment.
Will it not be a good experience if you knew their meaning too before saying them to the child.
Explain the meaning to the child.
One such example can be that ‘Aap Bhi Maryada Purushottam Ram Banenge’
Now, explain what this great message means.
And so on and so forth.
Many a times it is seen that the chantings are in Sanskrit and probably you also don’t know their meaning.
In the womb child is hearing this language.
But when child is born the language he or she will hear is different.
There is a chance that child will lose contact with what is learnt subconsciously and the real world.
Also consider one more scenario.
Child is born very brilliant.
And the moment child has learnt to speak.
May question what is the meaning of all this.
Will it not give you great joy to explain everything in detail to the child.
So, align Yourself from the beginning.
Positive affirmations are very good and empowers the child so that child is able to deal with practical challenges of life.
If any meaningful activity is done consciously and with awareness it will have 10 times more impact.
Now, I want every couple to invest a couple of minutes every day in this activity.
Sit, facing each other, now, mother should say good things about father to the baby in womb and vice versa
This activity strengthens the bond between parents to be.
At the same time it is an opportunity for them to notice that ,are there any points when one thinks that what one is saying is not completely true.
Don’t worry so much.
All of us are learning.
There is no need to feel guilt.
You can always work on the relationship and improve it.
When we are teaching our child if we find that Maths is weak we will work on Maths.
If we find that Physics is weak wont, we work on it.
Same is with life, work on it.
Learn to say ‘NO’
I will now explain the power of no.
-Stop all exposure to negative things in your life immediately- social media, news even people.
-Filter and use your wisdom to judge which people to talk to and whom to avoid.
-Do not get burdened by other people’s mistakes and misfortune tales
-Learn to say ‘No’ to negative people’s company, social gatherings or simply walk off.
-Say no to scary movies, shows- your mind may be able to brush off the horrors of it, but a child once terrified inside womb by scary noises or mother’s reaction, doesn’t know, how to handle himself.
There is one more aspect, on one hand we are bringing all the positive things for the child and on another hand, we are burning the soul with these negative things.
We must choose wisely ,how we spend our day.
One example will clarify all your doubts.
Supposing I made a very good kheer.
Put lots of dry fruits and good stuff into it.
And then I put one drop of Cyanide.
Can I have it?
Despite all the goodness of other ingredients it is still inedible.
-You will do well if you start visualizing the end result of every activity that anyone asks you to do.
Children will learn by observing
Now we will look into one more aspect- how children learn.
Let me take this opportunity to assert that Children learn by observing.
How many of you have never faced any difficulty in life.
-Life graph is always up and down- never a straight line.
-All of us went through our fair share of difficulties, now is the time to pledge that we would invest our time and energy into learning art of parenting.
-Let us create what I want the child to create for two people- child and me.
-If parents sail through all ups and downs of life, together and with a smile, without blaming, shouting at each other, making compromises for each other, this is what the child will also learn. When he/ she is faced with their own difficulties, they will have their own strong memories about how to deal with it.
– You must decide, what it is that you want to teach your children- Patience, calmness, bravery, adjustment, happiness, responsibility
-Irritability, anger, shouting, blame game.
-Empower child to take the baton forward in more meaningful and powerful way then you have been able to do
Remove all drops of Cyanide from your beautiful kheer
Love in family
We must also discuss what is the importance of love in family.
Some realities of outside world.
-If love is not present in the family, it will be sought outside. When an outsider touches our child, we don’t know the intention behind. Most likely than not the intention is physical only
-Neither a boy nor a girl is safe in today’s society.
-Child should find acceptance and openness within family for his thoughts likings and dislikings.
Place of delivery
Let me take this opportunity and discuss with you the factors which should decide the place of delivery.
Usually there are two choices for the pregnant woman, either the marital home or her parents’ place.
As a responsible gynaecologist I would like to say that delivery should happen at a place where mother is most comfortable, where the medical facilities are best and she is well taken care of.
Family’s comfort, doctor’s advice, psychological comfort all should be taken into consideration before deciding place of delivery.
Available maternal leaves should be used judiciously for complete pre and post-delivery care.
Psychological wellbeing of mother
-I want to tell you now that Psychological wellbeing of mother has direct impact on physical wellbeing & it’s a proven scientific fact.
If the duration of pregnancy, event of delivery and exclusive breastfeeding time has been a pleasant experience for the mother It is seen that she will bounce back very fast.
Her recovery is good and she is able to join her duties, if she is a working mother with energy, vitality and efficiency.
If Reverse is the case and the event has been traumatic for her, she may take a long time to recover as those scars will take a long time to heal.
All of you must take a pledge with me that Mansaa- Vaacha -Karmana- I will only support and never hurt.
By my thoughts by my language and by my deeds I will only love and cherish.
We have decided to bring a powerful soul now on this earth creating a human being for next 75 years or more.
Your Gynecologist whether it is me or anyone else will always be a great support to you.
Concluding my narrative I would say that we must invest our time, energy and money into learning art of parenting
We must identify a mentor for ourselves and for our child and be under guidance.
Trust me this changes life.
I acknowledge my Guru & mentor Dr Neel who is a world-renowned Psychologist from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai & most humble and finest human being that I have known.
Under his expert guidance this module has been developed.